Saturday, May 06, 2006

It Came in the Night

Nigel, disturbed.

A perfect summer evening, ruined.

A knock at the door delivered to us the most heinous sight imaginable: Mr. Neighbor- slightly stoned, ready to party, dressed in full drag, a pale green dress straining to contain it's offensive occupant. Hairy arms and a full beard rounded out the pukeworthy package.

And so the story goes.

*Knock knock*Author: I'll get it! (Bad call)

Neighbor: "Yo"

Author: (Pauses to catch dinner trying to escape from whence it came, breath coming in fits and starts.)

Neighbor: "Come on, tell me what you think."

Author: "Um, no."

Neighbor: "No what?"

Author: "You picked the wrong house."

Neighbor: "I need help, I can't do my own makeup. Is Mrs. Author home?"

Author: "Unfortunately she is."

Mrs. Author went to work with a smile on her face. I knew the deal: Ladies like to put makeup on men. The cause for this has eluded me, but I was comforted knowing that Mr. Neighbor would likely relieve Mrs. Author's itch to paint a male face. Ultimately, this meant one thing: I was off the hook for the foreseeable future. Instead of letting my senses collapse under the weight of this most unfortunate sight, I set out to find the impetus for Mr. Neighbor's transformation.

Author: "Um, you might want to put some duct tape on that."

Neighbor: "My Boa will cover it."

Author: "Might you wear eight or ten boas? What brought this about?"

Neighbor: "Dude shut up. It's a costume party, and I am gonna score. Chicks love this stuff."

Author: "Yes, they love to wear this stuff. They don't love you wearing it."

Neighbor: "My makeup is hot. Do you like my dress? It was on sale for $70, marked down from $130."

Author: "Oh, that makes everything ok."

Nigel: "Might I interrupt?"

Author: "What now Nigel?"

Nigel: "I was wondering if you could have working thumbs surgically implanted on Sola."

Author: "Why?"

Nigel: "I need someone to grab the melonballer in the kitchen and scoop my eyes from my head, rendering me joyously sightless."

Author: "I'll be next in line."

Neighbor: "Dude I am so hot."

Author: "You'll never make it to the party. You're going to drive off the road feeling yourself up on the way there. But do me a favor - let me snap a picture. I'll e-mail it to you so you can stare at it."

Neighbor: "I guess, but you have to destroy it, or at least promise not to put it on your blog."

Author: ;)

Oprah will be so proud. Click to enlarge if you dare...

Nigel: Has anyone seen the melonballer?
Sola: I'M USING IT!!!


  1. you my dear friend...are not wrapped tight....too funny....

  2. Maybe not wrapped at all :)

  3. Anonymous10:08 AM

    Is the dress still around? You could put it on the mannequin from the earlier story.

  4. Pretty woman....sittin' on the pot....pretty la la la

  5. Nigel looks like the calm gentleman he is :-D

  6. Anonymous4:41 AM

    And did he get laid?

    I wish my neighbours showed up to my house in drag... you get all the fun. Except for the flying poobits.

  7. Alas, he did not score...but he did come home with a couple of phone numbers!

  8. How did I miss this one? It's a gem...

    Oh my......chartreuse is not his color.

  9. 'Joyously sightless.' That is classic. I'll have to remember that!