Saturday, January 07, 2006

My Neighbor is a Freak

Um, ok.

My sensibilities have been offended. Remember This Guy?

War has ensued since that story posted. My neighbor and I have engaged in the most enjoyable form of battle: Pranks. Pranks of all sorts. One example...

Our power company sucks. They must have a suck-as-much-as-you-can rule in their employee handbook. And they are nice folks. They are always kind and polite when we call them.

Yet if a Crow farts on a power line seven towns go dark. And it takes hours to repair. My neighbor and I are internets-addicted, so power outages leave us biting our nails. We will stay home bundled up with the dogs while he goes to Starbucks to get his www. fix. We have an old phone that works when the power is out, so he calls every two hours to see if the power is on. We usually tell him it is on four to six hours after it is actually restored.

We hate power outages, Mrs. Author included. She needs TV and a hair dryer. We have never camped. She likes keeping lots of lights on. Neighbor hates losing his surfing privilages. So he was taken aback when I sent him this e-mail:

From: Vermont Electric Company [mailto: notify@wesuckatelectricity.c0m ] Sent: Thursday, December 25, 2005 10: 47 PM To: CustomerList Subject: Power Customer Storm Notice

Valued Vermont Electric Company customer:

Current weather conditions are responsible for multiple outages for VEC customers in 7 towns across central Vermont. It is anticipated that further accumulations of ice will cause outages for most customers in the surrounding areas. Due to pending repairs from previous storms it is impossible to predict outage durations, but current estimates are for 72-96 hours for repair completion. This estimate is subject to change. Please seek alternate shelter if necessary.

Vermont Electric Company Customer Support

He lost it. Very breifly. I let him sweat for about thirty seconds. I pinged him on Yahoo IM laughing. He realized I'd forged it just after forwarding it to a new lady friend he was chatting with. Hook, line and sinker.

It was only a matter of time. Eleven days actually. Mrs. Author called me in a tizzy, laughing and disturbed by Neighbor Nate's latest creation. Once she's explained it to me I begged her to get the camera. Fortunately she obliged:

What the hell?
Neighbor had built a charming snowlady. Close enough to the garage to prevent easy access. I pulled in just as the snowplow driver was finishing the driveway. He refused to plow down the snowlady, and instead worked around her. And then he drove past me, looking straight ahead, speeding off in to the night. I thought nothing of it.
I grabbed my computer bag and approached the snowlady and it struck me that I'd forgotten the details. This was no ordinary snowlady. Not by a long shot.
She had nipples, big ones. with peanuts in the middles. Her eyes were peanut butter cups, cute enough. Her necklace and eyebrows were crafted from carefully placed ribbons of easy cheese. Odd. But her nose was the dealbreaker, the pièce de résistance. It was a purple dimpled battery operated personal massager. That's right, ladies.
My neighbor had devised and produced a twisted, triple-x artistic rendition of his vision in snow. I now understand why the snowplow driver wouldn't look at me. It was a redneck freak show. I made my way inside, shocked and awed.
I dreamed of ways to destroy her. For a day. Mrs. Author fretted, expecting to find Sola running in with a new purple toy. From inside the dogs stalked her, growling. I went to work. And I had an idea. When I arrived at home last night Mrs. Author and I went to work. It was time to ditch the tree. The Christmas Tree. We furiously stripped the tree of lights and ornaments in a cloud of needles. Mrs Author moved the breakables as I opened the huge window above the garage.
Direct hit, bombs away.
I surveyed the damage this morning. Not bad for my first tree launch. What remained was a sad sagging torso, headless, one boob on the ground. I decided to finish the job. I dragged the tree out of the way, took aim, and flattened her with our truck. She was left to melt by a snowbank (Nigel's favorite). Sola ate the cheese eyebrows from the driveway. I felt much better suddenly. But not quite better enough.
I'd still been had. If she had been seen by the neighborhood kids I know I'd be getting hate calls from their parents.
Author: "Hello."
Angry Parent: "You freak, what the heck you got goin on up there? You wanna hear what my kid done sang ta me? Huh?
"Hey Johnny, sing the song for your nice neighbors. You don't want to sing it? O.k., I'll sing it for you."

"Frostette the snowlady,
Was a happy horny sleaze.
With a bath towel hat,
A vibrator nose,
And eyebrows made out of cheese..."
Author: "Good God that's a cool song. You have one smart little kid."
Angry Parent: "Nice try jerk. Get rid of that crap and stay away you pervert!"
Author: "But it was my neighbor-*click*
That could have happened, which would have made it a grade-A prank. I had to find a way to get back at my neighbor as quickly as possible. Why the rush? Beacause he had a date coming for dinner. It was only their second date. I grabbed the camera and called Sola and we ran back out.
"Sola!" I called, "Get the toy!" And she was off! Snow flew as she dug her way through the bank, emerging with the battery powered purple personsal pleasure device. We ran next door together under the cover of cold winter darkness. I asked her to drop it and she did, right on my neighbor's front porch steps.
Sola: Tastes like chicken.
Author: That's just not right. Anyway, I turned on the flash and snapped a pic:
Click to enlarge, ladies.
My neighbor saw the flash and came out to the door. I was thirty feet away, facing the driveway.
Neighbor: "Dude, what you doing?"
Author: "I was just getting a long shot of the basketball court with the dead snowlady."
Neighbor: "Dude, I think there is going to be a story about my snowlady."
Author: "There most certainly will be."
He went back inside, without taking notice of my datewarming gift. Sola and I ran inside laughing. She is sleeping at my feet now, a smile on her lips. We have shaken off the cold, the Patriots game will be on in twenty minutes, and my neighbor's date has arrived.
It is going to be an excellent night.
Nigel: The neighbor scares me badly.
Sola: Me too, but I'm pretty sure he is in some serious trouble...