Saturday, May 06, 2006

It Came in the Night

Nigel, disturbed.

A perfect summer evening, ruined.

A knock at the door delivered to us the most heinous sight imaginable: Mr. Neighbor- slightly stoned, ready to party, dressed in full drag, a pale green dress straining to contain it's offensive occupant. Hairy arms and a full beard rounded out the pukeworthy package.

And so the story goes.

*Knock knock*Author: I'll get it! (Bad call)

Neighbor: "Yo"

Author: (Pauses to catch dinner trying to escape from whence it came, breath coming in fits and starts.)

Neighbor: "Come on, tell me what you think."

Author: "Um, no."

Neighbor: "No what?"

Author: "You picked the wrong house."

Neighbor: "I need help, I can't do my own makeup. Is Mrs. Author home?"

Author: "Unfortunately she is."

Mrs. Author went to work with a smile on her face. I knew the deal: Ladies like to put makeup on men. The cause for this has eluded me, but I was comforted knowing that Mr. Neighbor would likely relieve Mrs. Author's itch to paint a male face. Ultimately, this meant one thing: I was off the hook for the foreseeable future. Instead of letting my senses collapse under the weight of this most unfortunate sight, I set out to find the impetus for Mr. Neighbor's transformation.

Author: "Um, you might want to put some duct tape on that."

Neighbor: "My Boa will cover it."

Author: "Might you wear eight or ten boas? What brought this about?"

Neighbor: "Dude shut up. It's a costume party, and I am gonna score. Chicks love this stuff."

Author: "Yes, they love to wear this stuff. They don't love you wearing it."

Neighbor: "My makeup is hot. Do you like my dress? It was on sale for $70, marked down from $130."

Author: "Oh, that makes everything ok."

Nigel: "Might I interrupt?"

Author: "What now Nigel?"

Nigel: "I was wondering if you could have working thumbs surgically implanted on Sola."

Author: "Why?"

Nigel: "I need someone to grab the melonballer in the kitchen and scoop my eyes from my head, rendering me joyously sightless."

Author: "I'll be next in line."

Neighbor: "Dude I am so hot."

Author: "You'll never make it to the party. You're going to drive off the road feeling yourself up on the way there. But do me a favor - let me snap a picture. I'll e-mail it to you so you can stare at it."

Neighbor: "I guess, but you have to destroy it, or at least promise not to put it on your blog."

Author: ;)

Oprah will be so proud. Click to enlarge if you dare...

Nigel: Has anyone seen the melonballer?
Sola: I'M USING IT!!!