Thursday, February 19, 2009

Please Don't Litter

Mrs. Author and I are food snobs. We all have our faults - may as well throw that one out there. It's a serious affliction when you consider that we both hate to cook. We just don't like junk food. It's not like our kitchen is dripping with saffron encrusted lobster tails and vials of truffle oil, but you won't find nukeable pockets of any sort in the freezer.

We follow the same approach to our life with dogs, and buy them all natural, high quality food. Sola has allergies that rule out most of the cheap foods. No chicken lips and gristle kibble for her. Our monthly budget for dog food is not insubstantial, but we believe that our dogs benefit from a healthy, balanced diet.

Sola: Tell Fudgepants that.

Author: Truffles has a little issue. Far too often, her smile matches her coat. If you happen to stop by for a visit and Fudgepants wants to plant one on you take a quick gander at her gums. Run at the first sign of brownies. Don't ask why: Just put down the fat dog and run.





Ours is a house of love, and that is apparent in the behavior of our dogs. They are unfailingly affectionate. Smooches are distributed with regularity and with no regard for circumstance. I'll be mid-sentence in a discussion and Nigel will walk by and get in a zip with that lizard quick tongue of his. Sola will tackle me and try to have her way if I'm not careful. Truffles has thrived in this environment, and regularly joins the love fest, fluttering about the family room, tail slicing arcs through the air, rump shaking, kisses flying.

Considering the caring environment we foster, you'd expect us to embrace her affection. Reality paints a substantially different picture. When Fudgepants peels back those lips and moves in for a steamy pucker, family members are seemingly ejected from assorted windows of the house. Our expenditure for glass replacement in January alone was just under nine thousand dollars. I'd bet a fiver that on more than a dozen occasions the neighbors must have thought the damn house was on fire.

It's as though the little pudgewagon has a built in kiss forcefield. If only that were the case.

Nigel: Stop dragging this out and spill the beans.

Author: The dog has elevated the act of turd chomping to an art form. Cat nuggets to be exact. I can't count the number of times that Truffles has emerged from the guest bathroom with a stench ridden smile, her snout encrusted in gray matter. This elicits much profanity as we scramble for the bathroom to clean up her post-picnic mess. Mrs. Author sweeps up the sprinkles. I put away the butter and the napkins.

We have devised numerous schemes to discourage her. Leaving the door open to grant the cat access is necessary, so the past few months have found us testing a variety of objects to achieve poo pursuit blockage. We vastly underestimated her determination. Her heft and hunger foiled our every move. Chairs, hampers, SUVs: all were waylaid in her pursuit of crunchy culinary delights. The dog is nasty.

Just the other day I sat down at the table with the paper to find Truffles looking back at me, obviously unhappy at being interrupted.






A lascivious litter lover, she's not content to eat from the box. All means and methods of preparation are employed, much to our chagrin. A recent movie viewing was interrupted when I noticed the microwave running after I had already retrieved a bag of popcorn from it. Returning to the kitchen, I was immediately forced to pull my shirt over my head in order to avoid being engulfed by a humid, gray smog that filled the room. I used a kitchen towel to wave about my face and clear a path to the nuker, hit the stop button and swung the door open.





An oven mitt was employed to launch the molten poo kiln abomination in to a snowbank by the garage. The nearest pine tree sagged a bit, needles browning. I watched the clay smolder as the snowbank melted and swore that I would put a stop to her less than pleasant habit. I had an idea.


Our cat gained thirty-four pounds the following week. I fed Boo no less than seven full boxes of Imodium in the course of as many days. He swelled up like a Limbaugh.

Boo: You just suck.

Author: Hey, if Truffles wouldn't stop coming to poo, then poo was going to stop coming to Truffles. At least I didn't starve you.

Yet I failed miserably. The following week the cat exploded - flying to and fro on a river of fudge; Truffles with paddle in hot pursuit, bib flapping behind her. Something had "popped the cork" so to speak, and I was determined to locate and eliminate the source of my angst. The obvious had escaped me until yesterday, when I tripped over this interesting piece of evidence:









Count me all the way out. And bid with confidence.





Nigel: Turn that frown something other than brown.

Truffles: I found a Milky Way in the couch loser. If it is not sh*t, you must acquit.

53 comments:

  1. Dawson is our litter lover. He ate a whole litter maid full of the stuff. Luckily it was the corn kind. We had to get a brand that had a pine odor. They seem to think that eating kitty krunchies have some magicial power.

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  2. LOLTIME (Laughing Out Loud Tears In My Eyes)

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  3. Our cat Kismet leaves hers outside but when a dog comes out from under the hedge chomping then you just know it's brown teeth time. Yuk!!

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  4. Ditto Carolina! So funny....and absurdly insane :o) Sounds like Boo needs cat-flap access to his toilet....or would Truffles then just get here head stuck? Haha
    Slobbers xx

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  5. No sh*t!! (oops, no pun intended!!) A cat litter eating doggie!! Hahaha.. ok we probably should not be laughing here cos it is a serious (grey) matter.. I think a cat-flap may solve your problem. Good luck!

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  6. BOL ! whose teethies is it ?

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  7. Mmmmm... cat poop. Yummers!

    I, myself, indulge in rabbit poop and goose poop (when available), but I'll bet the cat poop is just as good.

    Slobbers,
    Mango

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  8. Yum...Cat Sandies.....

    Solved that at my house with a baby gate w/ a door for the humans.

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  9. Great post! Cloud only likes the litter buffet when they are dehydrated to a "delightful crunch" so I can usually stay ahead of him.

    We have a lot of the same food habits in our house (self confessed foodie here.) I totally believe in high quality ingredients for me and my pets.
    Kathleen and Cloud xx

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  10. SO FUNNY YOU CLEVER MAN!!!!! Thanks for the morning laugh.

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  11. Truffles Grammie9:53 AM

    There you go again....Can't wipe the smile off my face! What next???!!!

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  12. Yum... I like our furry brown kitty's extras too - what's wrong with that hehe? Mom and Dad have tried to catch me but I am quick and witty. I'd love to meet you. I like your style!
    Sammie xo

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  13. I'm lukhky enough (or is that deprived?) NOT to have a khat on premises...

    When my Doggy Nanny still had Cholla The Persian Princess, Merdie The GoldenDoofTriever khould ALWAYS be khounted on to eat the khytty food before it went in and then again after processing!

    Hugz&Khysses,
    Khyra

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  14. My dog Buster Peabody loves eating dog poop..but only Timmys. He is quite selective. Also a papillon puppy that I bred had horrible breath so the owners took her to the vet. Years of stealing out of the kitty box had done it's damage. She had the scoopable cat litter cemented to her teeth..It really is a disgusting habit!

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  15. You are *selling* Fudgepants on Ebay?

    Tell us how refined you are in foodal department, tell us what good pet parents you are, spending zillions on your dogs and THEN tell us you are auctioning off Truffles on ebay to any evil person who will bid highest and ship for free. How do you think she will do in a dog fight? Those are the kind of people who buy dogs on ebay (free shipping!)
    Rethink this, Mr. Author, and consider some of the above methods of keeping her from her favorite snack. Certainly, offer her your deepest apology!!

    Stella, who is shocked!

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  16. Stella said...

    "You are *selling* Fudgepants on Ebay?

    Rethink this, Mr. Author, and consider some of the above methods of keeping her from her favorite snack. Certainly, offer her your deepest apology!!

    Stella, who is shocked!"

    On the contrary, I'm considering throwing in a strainer with purchase.

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  17. Birdie's Staff11:06 AM

    You'll get killed with shipping charges, will have to go by freight.

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  18. The sofa is a far better place to feast on turds. Trust me. Rest your bum on something soft and dine. Your humans will admire your refined manners. Mine do!

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  19. If it's not sh!t, you must acquit. Now, *that's* funny stuff!

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  20. And we thought we had issues...

    Tinkebell, Oscar and Tucker

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  21. Ah, Poor dear Truffles. Your humans are still falling for that tired old story about the "odd chromosome" creating our rich brown color. They need to be told. That story was created by some animal loving scientist who knew that we really are what we eat, and that no two-leggers would want us around with scat breath. Here's a helpful hint: I like to lick the sink out after Mom uses Scope in the morning. Just be warned, it does make you sneeze.
    ps. My folks feed me some healthy food too but there's nothing like letting the badger loose once in a while and eating some deer or raccoon leavin's. Mahvelous! Simply Mahvelous!
    Chester

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  22. Your imagination is endless! That was a hoot. But seriously, if you really do have that issue, there's two things you can try. Install a cat door on the bathroom door and keep it closed. Or have you tried putting a gate on the bathroom door? It may sound silly but the cat can jump, the dog can't (though from the sound the dog might just be clever enough to operate the gate). Good luck!

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  23. Our deerhound started to do this recently. She is an embarrassment to all sighthounds. The cats, on the other hand, ate their own litter when we momentarily tried out some organic wheat litter.

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  24. Just be sure to brush and floss after every meal.

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  25. I love animal blogs. found you on facebook networked blogs.

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  26. We too are eaters of the cat poo. but we only get those tasty treats once a week when we go over to our grandparent's house! it is a true delicacy!
    xoxoxoxo,
    The Puppies

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  27. Dodge.6:30 PM

    First of all, I would like to mention that you guys aren't counting your blessings.... what if Truffles ate her own poo? ... it is delicious!! I don't know why but I always try to sneak in a delicacy once in a while...
    Second, the baby gate keeps me away from cat food/litter.... has mr. author tried that? The feline, who eventually will get what's coming to him, just jumps over it.


    That is all.

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  28. BOL (bark our loud). That was great!

    Love,
    Teddy Bear

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  29. My mommy says that reading your posts are better than a Stephen King novel...well written and always a twist! Harooo woo woo!!! I just thinks that turds are funny...I don't know why anyone would eat them. But we have some turd lovin furries here...but they are NOT sibes!

    Mya Boo Boo
    **prefers kibbles**

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  30. Hi evfurry one! I am sorry I was MIA, I kept telling Mom we had to come find your blog and thank you for the lovely comments! I found my new roomies food bowl- IT'S ALWAYS FULL! Mom is happy I haven't found the literbox!

    I added you to my friends, and I will be back often!

    Licks,
    Kylie

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  31. Have you thought about installing a kitty door on your bathroom door? I bet Fudgepants couldn't fit through it.

    Not to fear, I have a hound that likes to eat at the "cat turd buffet" as well. ;)

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  32. Why don't you just put the litter box on top of something the dog can't reach? The cat can jump up and use it and you wouldn't have this disgusting problem. Move the box into a room with an adequate high surface if necessary. Ick.

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  33. I didn't want to be a joyburglar.

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  34. BOL! I completely feel ya....I like the occasional Kitty Roca myself but I never get them as we have no cats and Mom talked to the neighbor's about them coming into the yard and leaving me little presents. :( Party Pooper Mom!! Horse Candy is the best though....you have to try it! Mom tried to discourage me by putting cayenne pepper on it once but that just made it even better. :)

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  35. Cats & dogs living together? What an abomination! I've met a few homosapiens with poo poo breath, too! Maybe a muzzle will help, unless he just uses it as a feed bag!

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  36. We love you guys!!! You bring us Greyt joy. Cody, Draco and Blue :)

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  37. mm yum. I must admit when I lived with my cat Pepe (Mum and Dad split, she got me, he got my cat) I liked dipping my head in his litter box. I prefered to just move the poos to various parts of the house rather than eating them.
    ~likcies, Ludo

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  38. I do live in New England! Do you live in NE??

    Kylie

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  39. BOL You are just tooo funny :)
    Big licks to you
    Suzuki
    xxx

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  40. First of all, I must say that I love moose poop the most. Frozen turdsicles are the best!
    That being said, our humans had quite a novel way of solving the cat poop (Kitty Roca) predicament, as a cat door was not an option, and there wasn't anywhere to place the box high enough for the likes of me. Here's what they did: put the litter box inside a large plastic DOG crate. That's right, a dog crate. They took off the wire door, turned it sideways, and wired it back on with an opening just big enough for the cat, but not big enough for a hound. And that solved the problem, just like that! We did push the dog crate around for awhile, trying to find a way inside, but eventually gave up. And for some reason, the humans laughed hysterically as they watched our futile attempts. Hmmmmmm.

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  41. those pics slay me! very clever. i miss our cat, but i don't miss having to keep the dogs out of the litter box. your posts are always such a joy to read.

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  42. You've been tagged by us!

    Love,
    Homer

    PS: Have you tried rabbit's poop? I heard it's tasty.

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  43. BOL I love this blog :)
    Gruffs from the Scruff

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  44. LOVE your Blog!

    And I wanted to let you know that I've passed along a PROXIMIDADE BLOG AWARD to you!

    Just posted about it today . . .Please check my Blog for details!

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  45. Wow, very tasty post

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  46. Our mommy LOL, but Hootie didn't think this was funny. He's a member of PEA (poop eaters annon.) and has been on the wag-on since December. So far so good. We just keep an eye on him and since we're in the city for a few months he's not being tempted by turkey, deer or moose poop. No cats here so no problem with that scat! Smooches, BabyRocketDog

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  47. Looks like others have suggested it, but if you can put a cat door in the bathroom door then you can leave the main door shut & keep the dog out. We cut a cat hole in the basement door & tossed the cat boxes in the basement - no more kitty treats for the dogs!

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  48. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I appreciate the comment :) you have some really great stuff here! Also...a little yogurt in puppies diet will help with the kitty turd addiction, or at least it worked for us! I've got a samoyed, a german spitz and a siamese, I am never at a loss for entertainment!

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  49. OH my....this brought back memories of Dasha (my cat poop eater) and Tisha (my cat)///oh the years we spent trying to figure out how to keep Dasha from the Almond Roca.....

    Thanks again for the smiles!!!

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  50. I love your site! I thought of creating a treat called "Kitty Rocca" as a dog treat. Don't steal my idea...you may find it in a store near you soon. I can't believe my dogs are not interested in cat poo. I think they need therapy. Keep up the amazing writing!

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  51. Ok. Quick question..... how long does it actually take to train your dog to accept these kinds of rules and these ways of life. After all, they are animals and do have animal instincts. I only ask, because I cannot get my dog to do anything! ANYTHING! that I want him to do..... help!

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