Guest Blogger Maria Goodavage: The 8 Most Humiliating Products for Dogs

Maria Goodavage blogs about all things dog for Dogster. She's also the author of The Dog Lover's Companion to California, a well-loved 1,000-page tome on great places to take a dog in the Golden State. (The book will be coming out in its 7th edition in 2011.) Maria  didn't always write about dogs. She's a former long-time correspondent for USA Today who got swept into the dog world one paw at a time. She lives two blocks from the beach in San Francisco with her husband, daughter, and adopted yellowish Lab, Jake, who fills their home with happy Lab energy and lots of sand. (She also has a great sense of humor, and I'd like to welcome her as a guest blogger today with a fun list of products that are sure to make your dog want to hire a hit man!)

 
Do dogs get embarrassed? Scientists who study such things usually say no. Harvard University professor Mark Hauser, an evolutionary psychologist and biologist, explains it this way: "When we step away from the core emotions such as anger and fear that all animals are likely to share, we find other emotions such as guilt, embarrassment, and shame that depend critically on a sense of self and others. These emotions are uniquely human."

Perhaps Dr. Hauser and his ilk have never seen anything like the following 8 items, which tend to mortify even the most unflappable dogs.

Wearable Poop Collector

As anyone with a somewhat modest dog knows, many dogs prefer to poop in private. If you look at them while they're in the act, they'll look the other way, seemingly fascinated with a leaf on a tree, or Mrs. Morton's car's bumper. With apologies to Dr. Hauser, some dogs seem plain old embarrassed if you look at them while they're going to the loo. Now imagine the humiliation when you strap on a PooTrap, designed so humans don't have to scoop up afterward. Think of a dog facing his friends with one of these contraptions on. We're talkin' therapy sessions for life, folks. Check out the TV advert to see PooTraps in action.

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Dog Fanny Pack

"I descended from wolves. I descended from wolves. I will wake up from this nightmare soon. Oh no, here comes Jake and Maggie. Smite me, Lord."

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Flatulence Thong

Do not buy this for your dog if you are used to blaming the dog for your gas issues. "It was the dog!" will not work when your dog is wearing his very own Gas Neutralizing Thong. It's simple to use. Just strap it on your dog, and his smelly winds will be a distant memory. And so will your dog, who will likely run away from home, praying not to pass any of his dog pals on the way out of town. Amazingly, this product has been discontinued.

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GPS Collar

Humiliating beyond belief for dogs who are known for getting lost. Wearing a GPS collar is akin to your dog carrying a sign saying, “I have absolutely no sense of direction. I am a complete moron!” Besides, most dogs don’t know the first thing about using a GPS.

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Costumes Depitcing Other Animals

Some dogs don't seem to mind wearing costumes. Some even seem to enjoy wearing them, perhaps because of all the attention they get. But I've rarely met a dog who doesn't look chagrined to be seen in a costume where he's supposed to be another animal. Particularly if the animal is a crustacean. I don't know why this is. It just is.

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Chastity Belt

Apparently dog chastity belts do not need to have locks and chains. In fact, dog chastity belts look like something you'd get from Fredrick's of Hollywood clearance pages. "When the heat is on -- LOCK IT" is the rallying cry of the Pet Anti Breeding System. If you'd be embarrassed to see a dog wearing one of these come-hither-but-not-really getups, imagine how the wearer feels.

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Rugged Outdoor Gear

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Heinie Cover

With Rear Gear heinie covers, your dog will forever be the butt of other dogs' jokes. They're the end. The living end...

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