Friday, April 30, 2010

Guest Blogger Maria Goodavage: The 8 Most Humiliating Products for Dogs

Maria Goodavage blogs about all things dog for Dogster. She's also the author of The Dog Lover's Companion to California, a well-loved 1,000-page tome on great places to take a dog in the Golden State. (The book will be coming out in its 7th edition in 2011.) Maria  didn't always write about dogs. She's a former long-time correspondent for USA Today who got swept into the dog world one paw at a time. She lives two blocks from the beach in San Francisco with her husband, daughter, and adopted yellowish Lab, Jake, who fills their home with happy Lab energy and lots of sand. (She also has a great sense of humor, and I'd like to welcome her as a guest blogger today with a fun list of products that are sure to make your dog want to hire a hit man!)

Do dogs get embarrassed? Scientists who study such things usually say no. Harvard University professor Mark Hauser, an evolutionary psychologist and biologist, explains it this way: "When we step away from the core emotions such as anger and fear that all animals are likely to share, we find other emotions such as guilt, embarrassment, and shame that depend critically on a sense of self and others. These emotions are uniquely human."

Perhaps Dr. Hauser and his ilk have never seen anything like the following 8 items, which tend to mortify even the most unflappable dogs.

Wearable Poop Collector


As anyone with a somewhat modest dog knows, many dogs prefer to poop in private. If you look at them while they're in the act, they'll look the other way, seemingly fascinated with a leaf on a tree, or Mrs. Morton's car's bumper. With apologies to Dr. Hauser, some dogs seem plain old embarrassed if you look at them while they're going to the loo. Now imagine the humiliation when you strap on a PooTrap, designed so humans don't have to scoop up afterward. Think of a dog facing his friends with one of these contraptions on. We're talkin' therapy sessions for life, folks. Check out the TV advert to see PooTraps in action.

Dog Fanny Pack

"I descended from wolves. I descended from wolves. I will wake up from this nightmare soon. Oh no, here comes Jake and Maggie. Smite me, Lord."

Flatulence Thong


Do not buy this for your dog if you are used to blaming the dog for your gas issues. "It was the dog!" will not work when your dog is wearing his very own Gas Neutralizing Thong. It's simple to use. Just strap it on your dog, and his smelly winds will be a distant memory. And so will your dog, who will likely run away from home, praying not to pass any of his dog pals on the way out of town. Amazingly, this product has been discontinued.

GPS Collar
Humiliating beyond belief for dogs who are known for getting lost. Wearing a GPS collar is akin to your dog carrying a sign saying, “I have absolutely no sense of direction. I am a complete moron!” Besides, most dogs don’t know the first thing about using a GPS.
Costumes Depitcing Other Animals

Some dogs don't seem to mind wearing costumes. Some even seem to enjoy wearing them, perhaps because of all the attention they get. But I've rarely met a dog who doesn't look chagrined to be seen in a costume where he's supposed to be another animal. Particularly if the animal is a crustacean. I don't know why this is. It just is.
Chastity Belt
Apparently dog chastity belts do not need to have locks and chains. In fact, dog chastity belts look like something you'd get from Fredrick's of Hollywood clearance pages. "When the heat is on -- LOCK IT" is the rallying cry of the Pet Anti Breeding System. If you'd be embarrassed to see a dog wearing one of these come-hither-but-not-really getups, imagine how the wearer feels.

Rugged Outdoor Gear

Heinie Cover
With Rear Gear heinie covers, your dog will forever be the butt of other dogs' jokes. They're the end. The living end...

Life With Dogs


  1. OH MY WORD!!! This cat lady would like to assist all the dogs out there who are forced to endure these products in an all out revolt....especially the poop catcher everyone needs privacy.
    Our slogan will be Cats R United for Dogs aka CRUD
    Happy Weekend,
    Madi and Mom

  2. Not my dog, EVER! GROSS!

  3. All of us pups are just mortified for those poor dogs - how humiliating. Horrors.

    Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

  4. We couldn't read past #4, it was just too humiliating!
    Happy Weekend and belly rubs,
    Kit and Pups

  5. LOL.. those are just Wrong!
    Really redefines going for a walk with your dog when the dog does not get to walk!

  6. I'm not sure which is worse, the 2 leggers who invented these mortifications against the canine world OR the simple minded 2 leggers that bought 'em. Either one should be forced to watch Celine Dion in concert for 24 hours straight.

    Woofs and mortified slobbers,
    Chester ;0=)

  7. Anonymous10:02 AM

    I own the exact same lobster costume, and have forced my Springer Spaniel Cupcake to wear it. I tell her that until she gets a job I get to dress her up once a year- same as my folks used to do to me

  8. Oh dear! Those are just terrible! I'm glad none of that goes on around here. There would be a serious revolt.

    Emma Rose

  9. And how do you know that the dog chastity belts "look like something you'd get from Fredrick's of Hollywood clearance pages." Nevermind. TMI. :)

  10. Anonymous10:34 AM

    WHAT??????????????????? This is a joke, right? Oh my doG.
    the western SC gang

  11. People... they can be very scary.

    although, I would love to have a gps collar for stumpy and even more for the berner. I'd love to know where that boy goes when he leaves here.

  12. I'm embarrassed for the human race and apologize to canines everywhere. Who thinks up this stuff?

  13. Where do we begin?!? So many humiliating products. We think the most humiliating product would be to be owned by Paris Hilton though... just sayin'.

  14. None of those in THIS house!


  15. OH! How horrible!
    Talk about humiliating....I can't imagine anyone would do that (any of those) to their dog.

  16. I would never do this to my dogs, but I laughed like a fool while reading about these products!

  17. ^^^ I was going to say pretty much what houndstooth said!

  18. I always prefer just a simple bandana, but to each his own. I wonder how a dog would feel if he were dressed up as a squirrel. I don't think that would end well. He'd have to chase himself up a tree.

    wags, Lola

  19. Thankfully I have my own indoors bathroom!
    No need for those embarrassing "devices"
    Kisses and hugs

  20. after I saw pictures and models of creative dog bags and backpacks, I was so surprised and amazed, because in my country there is no such a model. very interesting.

  21. Theresa4:41 AM

    Good grief!!!! Aaaargh!!!!

  22. NO! Why would you put your teeny dog on your back or in a fanny pack? And he looks sooo comfy, too. And the anti-gas thing? NOOOOOOO! Stop, please.

    But the worst part? People will buy these products...

  23. Anonymous9:58 AM

    If my Mommy made me wear any of those I would run away and join the circus.


  24. I would much rather see pictures of the people who invented these things to be wearing them. BOL!