Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fat Tuesday: Skinny Dog

Nigel here! My keyboard monkey is slacking this week - he said something about special occasions. I haven't had a special occasion since the cat wandered tantalizingly close to the crockpot last week, so I'm taking over for the day.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm a night owl. Or to put it another way, I sleep all day so I can warm my dangly bits with sunbeams. So when the two-leggers pass out my night is just getting started. And what does a lonely hound turn to for comfort in the darkness of night? The boob tube of course! Speaking of boob tube, I've been seeing a lot of commercials for this movie:

I'm sitting here wasting away in the boonies of Vermont, and these ladies are getting all of the glory. Every time they lift their shirts people go crazy and throw shiny things at them. And they only have two ta-tas a piece! I have like a bazillion. Hell, when it gets cold out I look like a pencil eraser factory reject and nobody throws shiny things at me. Unacceptable.

I decided it was time to mix up a mean melon ball to fill my canteen, fuel up my jet and see what all of the noise was about!

I chose my flight pattern carefully. I did fly over Canada briefly because I heard that the US might be buying it on eBay and I wanted to see if it was worth it. I learned that you can buy beer without ID, so I bookmarked the auction before bidding Canada farewell and pointing my plane south for a Fat Tuesday adventure.

 My first plan failed miserably. I thought if I set up a roadblock I could stop the parade right in front of me and collect shiny things until I needed a wheelbarrow to haul them away. I even brought a few of my own shiny things to make it look like I was already getting a lot of play. The bad news: I was on the wrong side of the city, so the only shiny things I got were a pair of cuffs.

Once I posted bail I made my way to the French Quarter, and the party was in high gear, There was no time to waste, so I immediately shook an ice cube around in my shirt and unleashed some hound belly on the revelers. I saw this crowd of goofy looking dudes and figured if there was no lady competition, I'd need safety goggles to protect my delicate sighthound eyes from the impending downpour of shiny things.

Nada. That snaggletoothed wingnut to my right is decorated like a Christmas tree, and I'm playing the chopped liver role. There is no justice in this world.

I saw a lot of people filing in and out of this bar (and it reminded me of one of my blogger pals) so I stood out front for an hour while I displayed my wares. No takers. They obviously wouldn't know a nice rack if it stood in front of a bar holding up its shirt for an hour.

Believe it or not, I actually had a thought, and if I were any smarter I would have known it was useless. Since I am blissfully unaware of my mental deficiencies, I went with it. I found a couple of hoochie mamas that looked a lot like the ones in that movie that inspired my trip. I figured if I stood really close to them, I could collect their sloppy seconds and make it look like I was getting all of the action.

Much to my chagrin, the only thing they were sharing were their iPhone camera ta-ta pictures on Facebook.

Now this is what I'm talking about. Hell, my name is already on the sign. I emptied my wallet and prepared to sparkle.

The hoz won every time.

I'm giving up for now. You two-leggers are impossible to please. I'm out of money, so I can't refuel my jet. My jeans are chafing. To make matters worse, the Patriots were bored with winning Super Bowls and feeling nice enough to lose on purpose this year so the Saints could try it, and now it everyone here is just rubbing it in.

Of this, I am certain: It sucks to be a skinny dog on Fat Tuesday.



  1. Poor Nigel! I am sure your cat has a few things he (she?) would like to throw at you.

    Anyway, you sure had quite an adventure! And I definitely would have thrown the shiny things at you if I were there! But I really don't think it was your weight that kept the shiny things away, I think you needed to be a girl dog.


  2. Nigel you got it all wrong, if you had been a lady you would have been swamped with shiny things.

  3. Bobby's right; you should have wooed the women, not tried to out-do them. Silly, Nigel. (And the route you took from Vermont to LA was quite "interesting.")

  4. Oh, Nigel, I'd have given you plenty of beads to keep your shirt on! If you can get as far north as Peoria, we'll be happy to put you up. I'm sure Bunny and Blueberry would be happy to entertain you. Thank you for being most entertaining this morning!

  5. Love the boobie flight pattern. Oh, Nigel!

  6. i think you are too flat Nigel--sorry. and no ID to buy beer in Canada???? since when??? ;-)

  7. Great road trip, Nigel! Hope you got to sample some yummy Creole cooking!

  8. Nigel you are so busted!!! Don't you know one of the 1000 bloggers reading your post will tell the two leggers what you've been up to and you will be grounded...probably for life. Especially if used their credit card while on your jaunt?
    Madi and Mom

  9. what a trip Nigel!

  10. Nigel,

    You should have come to Mardi Gras in Mobile, Alabama instead! We've been having Mardi Gras longer than New Orleans, and there's even a mystic society of DOGS (The Mystic Mutts of Revelry). No need to flash anyone to rake in the beads, either.


  11. Oh Nigel, you are one hot ticket! Hope the two leggers don't punish you for this one.

  12. I give you an A+++ for the effort Nigel! I sure wish I could have joined you as I say a few very nice butts that I wouls love to inspect closer!

  13. Next year, come to Mobile for Mardi Gras, Nigel, and party with us. We love skinny dogs!

  14. Alas poor Nigel, he has no beads.

  15. Oh, Nigel! What a great plan but it kind of backfired, huh? You were arrested dude? Where can we send you milk money?

  16. Yes, we spotted the flight path as well -

    I wonder why that is?

    I'm still wondering if I khan get some beads if I show 'em my pantyloons and fluffy tail?


  17. did you make a "boob" with the route on the map? It seems a funny shaped journey ;0D

  18. Now Nigel human Granny is going to tell your humans about the child proof code for the big box...BOL! <3

  19. Oh Nigel....what a day you had! BOL

  20. That's just too bad Nigel. They doesn't know a good thing when they sees it!

  21. Oh Nigel..becareful at that crazy Mardi Gras. You are the best looking dude in the crowd.
    Benny & Lily

  22. Looks like an interesting day!
    Kisses and hugs

  23. Hahahahahaha No mas, no mas Nigel!

    - the Secretary

  24. hello nigel its dennis the vizsla dog hay sorry yore fat toozday wuznt so mutch fun i am shoor that mardi gras wil be better!!! ok bye

  25. Nigel! I'm Lucy, new to blogspot, a cute little Brittany Spaniel from western MA. My family and I vaca in Vermont, it's great up there! I love your page and I think you are the best looking dog in all those shots!!

  26. Oh Nigel, Nigel, Nigel

    You have so much to learn about Mardi Gras. It's not about flashing for shiny things. It's about having a good time with your friends and it's about the food cause we love food in New Orleans. Mardi Gras is the party before Lent begins.

    Sniff ya later,
    Droopy and Callie

  27. love your jeans nigel!!! and its ok that you're a skinny dog! i'm a skinny chick so we can hang out together ;)