Take This Job

Nigel here. I saved a couple of tranquilizers from my tooth surgery and slipped them in to my two-legger's coffee this morning, so I'm running the show today without the assistance of my keyboard monkey while he drools in a corner...kind of like me!

I heard through the grapevine that things got a little mushy around here Monday. Unacceptable. When I caught a whiff of the news it put me in a sour mood, and I had an instant craving for end table corners and pillow stuffing. I indulged.

So now I've been told I have to go to work to earn greenbacks and pay resprostitution. I know there's a kitchen at the office, so it can't be all bad. Let's give it a shot.


This is promising! Everybody, say hello to David Copperfield. I know, you're looking for poofy hair or a shiny shirt. No such luck, he's in his metal box disguise. But make no mistake, it's him. Every time I have stuffed a cat in one of those boxes it has disappeared. We're only in the parking lot. This place rules.

Let me warn you now - it was a dark day and I was on the move a lot, so some of these pictures are blurry and you may have to click on a few of them to see everything. Then there's that nasty flash. In other words, I need a better photographer.

Going up in the slacker box.
Best ride ever.

This place rocks. I just walked in the door and the ladies are showing up. I asked this one if she would race me to the copier. She said I was simple, and since that word has more than two syllables I know it means something good.

Bean counter.
Next...

This machine tells me how much it costs to send a cat to Albuquerque. It even makes the go away sticker. There is a God.

I'm going to try using this thing as a bun warmer. I'll fax the results to that mouthy ankle biter down the street.

My two-legger likes to look at this giant map. He pointed at me and then at Kansas. I was born there. He was muttering something about a return policy.

Then he stuffed this million dollar bill in my collar and told me to buy a one way plane ticket to Ibiza. I blew it on chicken wings at Hooters and was back in an hour.

This is the IT department.
I was invited to leave after referring to it as the virgin cave.

A blank slate. My favorite.

New and improved.
The future looks delicious!

 

I conferenced  ninety three of my dog friends from Facebook to report my projections. It was a giant party until the CEO walked by.

I was forced to hang up and bid farewell to my little friend.

I decided to swing by this place. The sign said HR.
I asked if that stood for hot redheads.

The response.
Would that be a no?

I ran pretty fast but the HR lady found me and got her claws in me.
She said some crap about political correctness and feelings.

I was sent to a corner with some required reading.
That would be the sexual harassment policy. 

 I had it filed under L for lame.

I played with toys for a while. This is the thing you use to attach your cat to the curtains for safekeeping.

I never did find out what this object of interest was called, so I'm going with nipple ring remover thingy.

Oh look, you get free water when you slave all day for the man. Just add bread and give me some bars to bang my tin cup on.

Crap. Trapped by a sales guy. Sales guys always have a lot of "personality". This guy was only talking for twenty seconds before I told him he was going to have to get me some thumbs if I was going to keep the shovel going fast enough for him.

Apparently sales wankers don't have much of a sense of humor. I was relegated to phone duty. A mile-long pedigree and I'm taking calls. That's right people, I'm living the dream.

Once I offended enough callers I got to parade around the office with some signage. I think it says please inspect undercarriage.

Yeah, that's what it says.

 

You can zoom in or out all you want, it's still a giant joke. I was told that this would be my rate of pay.

I adjusted my output accordingly. In other words, game over.