Thursday, October 29, 2009

Retail Therapy

Nigel here. I heard about another mushy Monday, so I thought I had better do a little damage control. I called America's Most Wanted and told them that my two-legger pulled that armored car heist they were talking about on TV the other night. I also told them that he looks like a dingleberry with a diamond grill and ten pounds of gold chains around his neck. The food bowl may be running a little low, but the couch sure feels a lot bigger!

Now before I get to the good part let me ask you - is it just me or did that windy piece of drivel that started the week off contain one or two of these?

I thought so. Now that we have that cleared up it's time to focus on me. If you were around a couple of weeks ago you may have caught my visit to the office, and subsequent discussion of all things work related. It sucked pretty hard and I was asked to stay away after yelling "Cubes are for pubes!" as I ran past the sales pit on my way out. It only took me a few minutes to figure out that I have a fairly acceptable arrangement at home. I'll leave that earning thing to you foolish humans. Spending is my bag. I derive great pleasure from hitting the stores to test out some plastic and see how my two-legger's credit is holding up. Won't you join me?

Before I blow my fridge opener's retirement fund, check this out! A package arrived the other day from this really cool, sweet lady in Texas. Her name is Holly and I'm pretty sure we're going to be married one day soon. Since a dog can't wear a ring, I think a collar is generally considered the next best thing, and Holly made this one for me all by herself! Note how she lovingly embroidered my name in it. This serves two critical needs: it increases my chances of hearing someone scream my name, and it will also help those closing time cuties figure out what to call me when they wake up in my dog bed on a cold, regrettable weekend morning.

See that church in the background? This is as close as I can get before the dark clouds come and the sky zappers start flying everywhere.

Hey look it's the love handle store!

These nice ladies showed me their pepper spray collections after I offered them the exclusive opportunity to shop at my own, personal banana republic.

Don't bother with this place. They couldn't even tell me the difference between the mac daddy and the daddy mac.

Since when is anything old good?

If you like being chased with rolled up newspapers I highly recommend asking this lady to let you try on the jimmy hats.

I don't know about you, but I get a serious case of the ri ras if I eat too much Taco Bell.

And then I make a run for this place like they tell you in the commercials.

Interesting. I thought a happy trail was that little strip of...oh never mind. Let me just say I couldn't find a single one in the store, and security asked me to leave just when I thought I was getting close.

Speaking of happy trails, this lady almost got a handful of mine after reaching a little low on that last pass.

This is the snob shop. All the sweaters are three hundred bucks, and the ladies keep their noses so high in the air they look like they are always checking for blown light bulbs. They don't let you talk on your cell phone in the store because that would be uncivilized. I left an exotic footwarmer in the doorway, because everyone knows pink and brown is a knockout combination.

I was not allowed to partake because I always get a really creepy look on my face when I ask someone to butter my popcorn.

So I settled for these dumpster flavored snackables.

I picked up a box of the strongest dark chocolate I could find for that mouthy anklebiter who lives down the street.

Then some do-gooder lady ran up and started screaming at me when I peed on this trash can.

So I stepped aside. Does the sign say some-in-one? Nope. Lady, there's your sign.

These people rock. Give them all of your money.

Two-legger said this is an antique. Apparently antiques make mullets really mad, because in like only five minutes three mullets came up and started yelling in to it that they were not gonna send payments to their baby mommas.

I thought I heard someone yell my name, but it was some kid getting yelled at for picking his boogers.

If these cars were offered in men's sizes I might be a little nervous about the driver.

Welcome to my own personal hell.

Now this sounds promising!

Freebie snacks on the way in the door. Nice touch.

They told me this thing keeps the pimples off the booty.

More attention and more freebies. More handouts than Reid and Pelosi.

You'll notice that up until now the pics have been clear and well focused, but when it came time to snap this one my two legger was shaking like a crackhead with a Monster Chaos IV drip.

Subsequently, I suffered from an inexplicable desire to stand next to this display for a few minutes.

The nice lady at the store showed my two-legger what his wallet was going to look like if he didn't drag mommy out of there.

I left my calling card on this sign - on a whim.

What the hell?!?  You know what this means.

See Nigel run. In other words...

...let's roll.



  1. OOOO what a handsome boy you are with your new collar!

  2. Nigel you look very fetching in your new collar. I was thinking(sometimes I do) that we all have some purpose on earth. I think yours is to make people happy and laugh and smile. Thank you and could you send Mom some of that kettlecorn? She has a passion for it and can't find it around here.

    licks and sniffs, Sasha

  3. how could nigel not appreciate mac?

  4. What a shopping spree. And, er, thanks for recycling.

  5. Hi Nigel, what a very cool post. We would love to go shopping with you.
    We are both a bit scared of shops at the moment but we reckon you would look after us - by the way, do you have a credit card?
    love and kisses
    Martha & Bailey xxxx

  6. ps our mum says we have not to go to the flea market though....................

  7. Hello Nigel
    We enjoyed your retail therapy odyssey, pity we weren't there to enjoy a few of the freebies though:(
    Yes, we would love to join you on a spending spree courtesy of your humans credit cards, please email us all the details and we will start shopping right away!
    You should have exercised your teeth on that lady's fat arse for screaming at you for having a pee - sheesh!
    Luv Ya, Dinah, Bridget and Elliot xx

  8. Nigel,you are the best run on sentence I have ever seen! Love the collar big time, but Athena ran away screaming after the sentence with the word "married" in it. To bad she didn't get the hear the rest of the blog!
    Bananas, jimmy hats, and happy trails...oh my!! Athena just screamed that she would have been glad to put butter on your popcorn!!! The Mr. will give major props for the blurry shot. You too would get along so well it is scary.
    Great blog today as usual. I like the long keeps me occupied for a longer part of what would be a boring day! :)
    I am off to go buy one of those wooden tools at the body shop. That will make a great coffee table conversation piece!

  9. Nigel, isn't Miss Holly the best! I have one of her collars, too!

    I'm still rooing to myself over your shopping trip! I wish I could have joined you!


  10. Nigel, blue is definately your color! the collar looks great! Once again, Nigel is up for all day! Sola and Truffles must be laughing like crazy!

  11. Nice collar. Love that Love Handle Store. BUTT... the Flea Market??? What is that about. They bitch when WE shop in that itchy place, then turn around go there themselves. Curious animals these two leggers.

  12. That was delightful! We LOVE shopping :)
    And your new collar is quite dashing!

    Emma Rose

  13. Mom says tank woo fur the earworm she'll have all day!


  14. S-W-E-E-T................You are just terrific!

  15. Ah, Nigel, I needed that. Thanks for the entertaining commentary of your day out shopping.

  16. Anonymous10:56 AM

    Awesome day!! Cool pics. You'd think marking the trash can would be a good thing, go figure lol.

  17. Thanks a lot Mr. and Mrs. Author. Ever since this shoppin' trip Truffles has been cryin' her eyes out that "Nigel gets to do everything and I never get to do nuthin'"
    Guess I know what we'll be doin' this weekend. :0=(


  18. What an adventure! Your new collar is snazzzzzy.

  19. Anonymous12:17 PM

    good call avoiding the flea market Nigel...

    as for recycling your dog pee, I haven't heard about this breakthrough...
    exactly what is it used for?

  20. What an exciting day of shopping. You are so handsome, but watch out for those close-ups. You have a bit of grey around the muzzle, but I wont tell.
    cant wait to see your holiday shopping adventures. I hear Santa's helpers may show a bit of that cleavage that makes the photo so blurry ;-)

  21. Anonymous1:08 PM

    I think I read this book in first grade- "Nigel and the Brogans go shopping". "See Nigel, see Nigel pee. Bad Nigel. See Nigel shop. See Nigel oogle body massagers. Sick Nigel, sick". If I remember correctly, the book had a happy I'm sure your day in Burlington did also. Thanks for all the greyt photos. It was fun.

    the western SC gang minus Sophia, our angel

  22. NIgel, you are simply the best. I'm one of those rare girls that loathes shopping. Too many years working in it I guess. But if I could go shopping with you, my entire outlook would change.

    I suppose I could try to train my cat Katie to go outside with her pink harness and leash. But I'm thinking the shopping experience just wouldn't be the same.

  23. Looks like a very fulfilling shopping excursion with your very pretty two legger.

  24. Hey Nigel,

    Looks like you really know how to "do" the town.

    Hoover BPD

  25. Thanks Nigel! Your shopping adventure was great and we enjoyed it very much!!! Your new collar is good looking on you too!!! Thanks for a wonderful made me laugh alot!

  26. Bow Wow! What a Great Adventure you had! <3
    Love the pics and human Granny loves the captions. Get Job!
    Licks and Wags, Ariel <3

  27. Hi my sweetie
    You are so thin and so beautiful.
    I love your adventures :)
    Fantastic shots ....
    Kareltje =^.^=

  28. Nigel, I am speechless. That was a most amazing adventure with spot on comments too. I can see why the camera shook a bit in that one photo. Oh dear.


  29. Oh Nigel, you can try to convince us you're bad, but I'm sure you're a very good dog.

  30. Nigel..first..what a cool collar. And thank you for taking us on a walking tour of those silly stores. Hysterical BOL
    Benny & Lily

  31. Hi Nigel
    I loved the little shopping spree.
    You and I did something in common!
    tee hee hee
    i left a little handwarmer in Coastal Farm Store on the weekend. Mom was so embarresed. She did not have anything to pick it up with except her fingers!

  32. Nigel, you always have THE best outings. We are completely jealous!!

    Woofs and Kisses!

  33. Cool collar,
    Love the pictures!

  34. LOL! I'm surprised someone didn't call the po-po sooner. or maybe that's what the mullets were doing on the antiques...

  35. We enjoyed your retail commentary Nigel, and you rock, leaving your calling card in all the right places. :)

  36. Oh my big toe, you were in downtown Burlington, VT. Be assured: you have my deepest, sincerest sympathies.

  37. None required John. It's not half bad...

  38. That was fun virtually shopping with you, but I think that you do not fully appreciate all the cool girlie stuff. :)