Saturday, May 06, 2006
A perfect summer evening, ruined.
A knock at the door delivered to us the most heinous sight imaginable: Mr. Neighbor- slightly stoned, ready to party, dressed in full drag, a pale green dress straining to contain it's offensive occupant. Hairy arms and a full beard rounded out the pukeworthy package.
And so the story goes.
*Knock knock*Author: I'll get it! (Bad call)
Author: (Pauses to catch dinner trying to escape from whence it came, breath coming in fits and starts.)
Neighbor: "Come on, tell me what you think."
Author: "Um, no."
Neighbor: "No what?"
Author: "You picked the wrong house."
Neighbor: "I need help, I can't do my own makeup. Is Mrs. Author home?"
Author: "Unfortunately she is."
Mrs. Author went to work with a smile on her face. I knew the deal: Ladies like to put makeup on men. The cause for this has eluded me, but I was comforted knowing that Mr. Neighbor would likely relieve Mrs. Author's itch to paint a male face. Ultimately, this meant one thing: I was off the hook for the foreseeable future. Instead of letting my senses collapse under the weight of this most unfortunate sight, I set out to find the impetus for Mr. Neighbor's transformation.
Author: "Um, you might want to put some duct tape on that."
Neighbor: "My Boa will cover it."
Author: "Might you wear eight or ten boas? What brought this about?"
Neighbor: "Dude shut up. It's a costume party, and I am gonna score. Chicks love this stuff."
Author: "Yes, they love to wear this stuff. They don't love you wearing it."
Neighbor: "My makeup is hot. Do you like my dress? It was on sale for $70, marked down from $130."
Author: "Oh, that makes everything ok."
Nigel: "Might I interrupt?"
Author: "What now Nigel?"
Nigel: "I was wondering if you could have working thumbs surgically implanted on Sola."
Nigel: "I need someone to grab the melonballer in the kitchen and scoop my eyes from my head, rendering me joyously sightless."
Author: "I'll be next in line."
Neighbor: "Dude I am so hot."
Author: "You'll never make it to the party. You're going to drive off the road feeling yourself up on the way there. But do me a favor - let me snap a picture. I'll e-mail it to you so you can stare at it."
Neighbor: "I guess, but you have to destroy it, or at least promise not to put it on your blog."
Oprah will be so proud. Click to enlarge if you dare...
Nigel: Has anyone seen the melonballer?
Sola: I'M USING IT!!!